23 years, and something philosophical...

I am finally 23 years-old, which is one of those ages when there's nothing more special than moving forward and trying not to look like a 16-year-old (which, I'm afraid to say I do... I should shave less, but then I'd look like a gang rapist).

You might be wondering what the *insert the place of never-ending suffering here according to Christian doctrine* happened to me. Well, dear reader, I'm afraid to inform that my grandmother passed away last January 15th, and I haven't been feeling disposed. Fear not. Not writing on my blog does not imply not talking to friends. A lot of wonderful people have helped me recover, and I can't thank them enough. The truth is, yes, I deeply miss her, but I was also getting ready for her parting. I do like writing here.

As you may see if you've followed me before, I changed how my blog looks, because to be honest, I hate the color brown, khaki, maroon, and any other type of color that tries to be red, but can't because it's wimpy. My favorite colors are blue and green, and I think these changes reflect my personality more.

There's something I'd like to discuss in here, something philosophical or maybe psychological.

Pleasing.

Whether we work so hard to try and please others, or we force others to please us, is something that I do quite often. I often ask myself questions like:

-Why don't my friends talk to me all the time?
-If my dad yells at me, does it mean that I'm a failure?
-When I don't read enough literary works, will I be an idiot?
-Am I writing this blog for me or for others?

Such is the weight that I let myself carry. I ask myself to please whoever talks to me, whether my own mother or the clerk I just met who works at Wal-Mart. I also ask others to please me in turn, by asking them favors or telling them their "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts." The never-ending quest for perfection...

But people are not poems (that I can work on to reach a level of "perfection"), and friends are not mathematical formulas. In the end, the sole creator of the previous questions is myself. I am responsible for this kind of struggle that I'm in. I let others dictate my actions, as long as they let me dictate theirs. It's like a vicious circle of possession.

It's like saying: "I will do whatever you want me to do, as long as you do whatever I want you to do."

How to change this perception?

Is it: "I will do whatever I want to do, as long as you let me do it."? Doesn't seem like it...

Or: "I will do whatever I want to do, as long as I believe it's reasonable and does not contradict my ethics."

Maybe...